onehappybee

I weighed in this a.m and I have lost 3 pounds! WOOHOO!!! I walked 2 miles on Saturday at the track. Today I went to the gym for the first time in a coupla months. I walked 3 miles. It took me and hour but I was so happy! My oldest son went with me. He is into lifting weights and being healthy. He is 17. He started to be more aware of his health after I started working at the all female gym. He was on the thin side with a fast metabolism so he is on the opposite side of the weight issue than I am. I want to weigh 200 and so does he! LOL He pushes me to go further than I would if I were alone or with someone else. My hubby wants me to be happy and he thinks if he pushes me then I will be upset. God bless him for being so sweet but he can be somewhat of an enabler. I feel that sometimes a pat on the back is worse than a kick in the butt. Not literally. LOL I guess I am lucky that I have a hubby who loves me no matter what size I am. I WOULD NOT deal with a hubby who stayed on me about my weight. I am going to wait to way again until Saturday. I know I am only supposed to weigh once a week but I sneak and weigh way to often. So I had my son hide my scales till Saturday a.m. I think I am going to be happily surprised come Saturday morning. I can’t wait to be back under 250!!! Thanks to everyone of you who have been so sweet and encouraging to me.

I have been watching the finale of the Biggest Loser. The contestants on  the show sure do drop a lot of weight in a small amount of time. I am curious. Do you think that the show inspires people to lose weight? Or do you think it might give people unrealistic hope that they can lose the weight as fast as the contestants on the show do? What is your opinion?

I have been thinking about my genetics lately. I can tell you where I get my eye color, hair color and height. I can tell you that my sister is built like my Mom and all of her sisters. I tend to be shaped more like 2 of my Dad’s sisters. The long legs and the ability to always be thin skipped right over me. So if I can tell you that much about my DNA makeup then why can’t the overeating gene be directly linked. I know that scientists are doing research on it and that they have some findings that there is something in obese people’s brain that doesn’t single for them to stop eating. But why hasn’t there been enough research done to find a cure. I know there are many other diseases that don’t have cures either such as AIDS or certain cancers. I am not saying that don’t need research or a cure. What I am saying is that obesity is a killer too. About two-thirds of adults in the United States are overweight, and almost one-third are obese, according to data from the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey (NHANES) 2001 to 2004. Obesity is linked to so many other diseases such a high blood pressure, strokes and even some forms of cancer. So why isn’t there a cure? I know to some people it may seem strange that I think obesity needs a cure just like every other disease. In the eyes of many obesity is not a disease. It is a form of laziness or low self esteem. Some people think if obese people would just get up and exercise or eat less then they wouldn’t be obese. But what if there is a link that somewhere in our DNA? What if I have a chromosone missing or added to my DNA? What if I don’t have the little piece of genetic that tells me to not eat that 2nd meatball sandwich? And why is it that in the year 2008 that I as an obese person is still viewed as someone who is just lazy with no self control? I think there should be more research done to help CURE obesity not just cover it up. Yes I said CURE. Obesity is a real disease. It should be acknowledged as that too. I should be able to walk into the doctor’s office and have tests run and the doctor come back and say that I have been diagnosed with obesity. The doctor should have a cure in his hand just as if I had any other potentially life threatiening disease. I am not talking about diet pills. I am talking about a real cure. One that makes my brain say “ok sister you have had enough put that third piece of pie down”. Instead the way things are in the world today when you walk into a doctor’s office they try to shove surgery down your throat or diet pills to help you lose the weight. Or stick me on antidepressants because they feel that I HAVE to be depressed if I am overweight. I don’t want either of those. I want an honest to goodness cure. I want to wakeup every morning without food being the first thing on my mind. I don’t want to go all day with eating healthy then at 9 p.m go cram down a pint of ice cream. I feel more research has to be done. America spends so much money every year researching stupid things that won’t change anything. Why can’t more funding be made available to help find the DNA link that causes obesity? If I am someone, who has no PHD, can sit here and look at my family and see where I get my obesity from, then why can’t scientists find the cure? People we need some help here!

I just joined this site today and I am already feeling better. It’s funny to me how total complete strangers can be so uplifting. I think the reason for it is because if someone is on this website they know what it is I am going thru. They can feel my pain and celebrate my victories.

I was a manager at an all women’s gym for almost 3 years. Before I started working there I weighed 275.  My role at the gym was to be friend, motivator and provde understanding and encouragement. My whole life revolved around my weight loss. If I went into a store people would stop me and ask me how to lose weight. Or they would want me to look in their buggy to see if what they had in it was healthy. I got phone calls at home about people’s weight loss. I lived and breathed the weight loss game. I lost 75 pounds in those 3 years. I could write a book on how to lose weight. I became so consumed with it that I did all of the research I could. Slowly but surely I could feel the fire burning out. I was sick of looking at people workout and listening to people talk about weight. I quit my job due to the fact that the owner was using the business for pure money making. I thought that the gym should be there for people to become happier and healthier. That if you provided good service the money issue would fall into place. The hurt and anger over the job caused me to go back to my old eating habits and I haven’t really worked out since then. It has been almost 3 months now. I am back up to a lil over 250. It is my own fault. I let other people get to me. I haven’t allowed myself to think about the losing weight or workingout to the extent that I did before. I have pushed it all inside of me. I feel as if I am almost rebeling against losing weight. I don’t know what made me decide to look up weight loss blogs but I thank God that I did. This site was the first one that I found. As I type this I can feel this sense of release. It is odd. I am almost giddy.  For the first time in months I am ready to go back to be the fighter. To go back and kick the crap out of fat. I can see the goal again. I HAVE a goal again. I really think I am going to love this site.

Today was a total slap of reality for me. Right in the throat.

Billy D and I were at Walmart when I saw someone who used to attend the gym where I was previously employeed. I smiled at her and she just kept walking. I didn’t find that too unusual becuase I am often snubbed by people, who while I was manager of the all female gym, claimed their undying devotion to me. So no biggy right?? WRONG! When I had made it a few aisles over I heard her say “OMG Marsha is that you???” I gave her a smile and she said” I wasn’t sure if that was you or not when I saw you smile at me earlier. You look so different now than you did just a few months ago.” Hhhhm. Funny how 6 months ago I had people not recognize me because I had lost weight. Then today someone didn’t know who I was because of weight gain. I try to not be paranoid when I see people that relate me to weight loss. But I cringe inside when I see them. My failure is out there for all of the world to see and judge. I know it shouldn’t bother me but it does. I know I know. If those people cared about me then they wouldn’t judge me. But to me that isn’t the point. The point is how it makes me feel. I feel shame for allowing myself to slide back so far. Before my weight loss I had never been a big dieter. Long ago I tried diet pills but it was a half ass attempt at weight loss and I don’t think I was big enough to really need to lose much. So the bigger I got the more content I became with myself. Being big didn’t bother me. I would fix myself up and put on some cute clothes and face the world with a smile on my face. I never once thought anyone would look at me differently because of my size. But after I started losing weight I started realizing that maybe I wasn’t so confident after all. If I had been so confident before the weight loss why was I so happy with my ever changing slimmer body? I feel that I was just masking my true feelings about how much I weighed.  I haven’t regained all of my weight but I am steadily pushing it. I swore I would never gain my weight back. But after a crap load of emotional stuff over the past few months and the change in my thyroid meds BAM it has came back fast as lightening. My desire is gone. It is almost like I have forgotten how to loose weight. I could write a book on weight loss but where in my mind is that information now stored?? And why have I pushed it back so far in my mind that it seems almost impossible to reach it. I want that back. I want the fire. I want the desire. I want the happiness I felt when I had lost my weight. Not out of vanity. Out of the feeling of accomplishment. Knowing that I had put my mind to something and was winning the battle. Regaining part of my weight makes me feel like the whole world can see that I have given up the battle to fight my food addiction. When someone is an alcholic, they can fall off of the wagon and no one could ever know. But if you are a food addict and go back to eating in an unhealthy way then it shows in every lump and bump that you have backslide. For me weight loss is about being healthy and having energy. Working out made me a happier person. I’m not gonna lie, looking better was a huge bonus but not the top reason why I lost weight. I look back at the pix that were taken at my bday luncheon. They are my most favorite pix that I have ever taken in my whole life. I have been thinking for so long now that the reason they are my favorite is because of my weight loss or how long my hair was. But today it dawned on me that the reason I love them so much is that for the first time in my life I felt like I was a winner. I was meeting goals that I had set for myself. It was me working hard. I have wonderful family and friends who are very supportive but when it came down to fighting the battle it is all left up to me. And if I fail or win it is ME that is held accountable. I have to keep pressing on and figure out how to get my fire back. Not for the way anyone else looks at me but for the way I look at me. I need to feel the fight again. I need to look in the mirror and see a fighter. I need to kick myself in the butt and get past the BS. So I have decided to go back to square one. Start all over. Forget about what I have or have not lost or gained. Let the past stay in the past. The only thing I am going to carry with me is my knowledge of weight loss and working out. I am going to go back to blogging when I feel stressed. It helped me before and it is sure to help me again. So get ready to listen to me whine about silly things that to me might be major at that time. And get ready to listen to me ramble on and on about my weight. I am not going to feel the shame anymore. What happened today was the push I needed to get off of the frikkin ledge. The fighter is back.